Hello There!

I Finally Gave In

Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

— Brene Brown.

For a long time now I have wanted to start a blog to just get out a lot of the feelings that I keep bottled inside. I’ve stayed away from it because I wasn’t sure about putting myself out there or that anyone would care at all about what I had to say. I realized though, that doing this isn’t for anyone else, its for me and if I inspire someone along the way then that would be amazing. So, this is the first post on my new blog!

Now, anyone who knows me knows how much I have struggled over the years with my weight. I know, what a boring subject to talk about first but hear me out. I realized recently that I was making A LOT of excuses for myself and for why I’ve let myself become so unhealthy. I told myself that it was because I was depressed and that I needed food to comfort me and I “couldn’t work out” because I was just “too tired”. I told myself I am just curvy and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Justification, after justification, excuse, after excuse. Honestly though, what it all boils down too is that I am lazy and I am afraid of actually bettering myself because that would mean I would have to take the responsibility of doing so and keeping myself accountable. This really hit me when I woke up a few weeks ago and looked in the mirror and legitimately didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. It honestly shocked me that I had let myself get so far off track. Just two years ago I was running 6 miles and training to do a half marathon. How could I let this happen? And what’s worse is that in the pictures above I still hated myself! My body image has always been horrible and I know that that is part of why my depression got so bad because when you spend every day abhorring how you look and feel that will take a toll on you.

After coming to this realization I allowed myself to wallow in self pity for a couple of weeks and then I woke up yesterday and decided, screw this I am going to get back on track and stop hating myself. I know what habits I need to change and I am confident that I will be successful. Today when I woke up I got out of bed and went for a jog/walk with Luna (who is my adorable dog and running buddy for anyone that doesn’t know I am obsessed with her) and it felt so good to just get up and go! Then for good measure after work I did a 30 minute Beachbody (21 Day Fix) workout and my legs and arms were literally shaking. It took everything in me to finish but I had to keep telling myself, “You need to get back into a routine or you will fail and failure is not an option.” Day 1 accomplished workout wise and I am ready to keep up the trend!

Now, food is where things get very tricky for me. I have used food as an emotional support vice for pretty much my whole life and it has developed into a VERY unhealthy habit. It gets to the point that I can consume an insane amount of food without realizing I have done so. My mom calls it my “Food Amnesia” and that is a perfect way of describing it because I can completely forget how much I have eaten and still feel hungry. It’s like I don’t have the thing in my brain that says to stop eating. So, to combat this my mom and I joined Weight Watchers and I am going to track all of my food to keep me accountable. Dr. Pepper is also out for me. The amount of soda I consume is so bad and I know that the sugar is doing nothing good for me. Today I did have a Dr. Pepper but I am not going to kill myself for slipping up because I had some wins today and I know it is all a process. I am on a journey and I think that is what is most important for me and anyone who is going through a rough time to remember. Change doesn’t happen overnight even though we all want it too.

I am so excited for this journey and I am so thankful for everyone in my life that I have who support and inspire me. Honestly like I said this is just kind of a place for me to put things out there and let people know they aren’t alone if they are experiencing similar things. I read a blog post earlier from someone who I admire in the theater community and what she wrote really spoke to me and that’s when I decided to just do this like I’d been wanting to. Who knows, maybe something I have to say with ring true with someone at some point and it will be paying forward the good vibes and feeling less alone! 🙂

Thanks for reading!!

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Finding Motivation

Since leaving New York City in October of last year I have had a very hard time finding my motivation for different aspects of my life. Whether that is working out, getting my career started, going back to school, the list goes on and on. I started to let the weight of all of the things I needed to figure out crush me and it felt like I was suffocating. It felt like I would never get it figured out. I let myself fall into this crazy pit of despair and chose to ignore the things that were important to me. I stopped taking Luna for runs, I didn’t work for about 3 months, I neglected friendships that are very important to me and it took awhile but now, almost a year later I am finally starting to get back to who I want to be.

Most people who know me, know that I love to perform. Singing, acting, the works and it’s truly the only thing that makes me happy. In December of last year I took initiative and auditioned for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at Plaza Theater Company and like a gift from God I got cast. That is where I finally started to get some of my motivation back to do what I wanted to do. There are pivotal moments in my life that I can look back on and say they had a huge impact on me and this is one of those moments. Being in Joseph and being a part of that cast was so wonderful because it not only brought me true friends but it gave me confidence in learning choreography and it gave me back some of the passion I had lost for performing.

I believe it is taking little leaps of faith, like for me auditioning at a theater I had never been too, to make changes in your life. If you never take chances, then the things in your life that you want changed will never change. Being in theater has definitely taught me how to put myself out there only to be rejected over and over and over again, but when that call comes telling you that they want you, it is truly the best feeling in the world. Find what you want in life by taking baby steps toward your goals. Book an audition or put yourself up for a promotion, OR just change jobs entirely because you hate the one you are in. Life is so short and I think we all get so wrapped up in the mundaneness of life that we forget to live. There is so much happening in the world around us that we all need to take more advantage of. I know that it isn’t that easy and we all have to have jobs but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take those small steps toward something exciting that will make your life just a little bit happier.

I know that I plan on continuing to take those leaps of faith and see where it leads me. I am so excited to see what the next year has in store for me and everyone around me!

This is Me

Stop Letting Other People Define You, Be Yourself and Be Proud of It

After 26 years on this Earth I have decided to start a blog. Deciding to do this was odd for me because I don’t know that anyone will read this but who cares, I think this will be a cathartic exercise for me to stop holding so many of my feelings inside my head.

Mostly I plan to blog about things that I am dealing with, good and bad and I plan to share about my passions and other aspects of my life. So for anyone who already knows me there should be a good bit about musical theater in here because that is a HUGE part of my life. There will also most likely be quite a bit about Luna (my dog) because she is basically the best thing about this life of mine.

Hopefully I will enjoy this and it will help me process events and also give me something fun to do!

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