I Finally Gave In
Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.— Brene Brown.
For a long time now I have wanted to start a blog to just get out a lot of the feelings that I keep bottled inside. I’ve stayed away from it because I wasn’t sure about putting myself out there or that anyone would care at all about what I had to say. I realized though, that doing this isn’t for anyone else, its for me and if I inspire someone along the way then that would be amazing. So, this is the first post on my new blog!
Now, anyone who knows me knows how much I have struggled over the years with my weight. I know, what a boring subject to talk about first but hear me out. I realized recently that I was making A LOT of excuses for myself and for why I’ve let myself become so unhealthy. I told myself that it was because I was depressed and that I needed food to comfort me and I “couldn’t work out” because I was just “too tired”. I told myself I am just curvy and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Justification, after justification, excuse, after excuse. Honestly though, what it all boils down too is that I am lazy and I am afraid of actually bettering myself because that would mean I would have to take the responsibility of doing so and keeping myself accountable. This really hit me when I woke up a few weeks ago and looked in the mirror and legitimately didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. It honestly shocked me that I had let myself get so far off track. Just two years ago I was running 6 miles and training to do a half marathon. How could I let this happen? And what’s worse is that in the pictures above I still hated myself! My body image has always been horrible and I know that that is part of why my depression got so bad because when you spend every day abhorring how you look and feel that will take a toll on you.
After coming to this realization I allowed myself to wallow in self pity for a couple of weeks and then I woke up yesterday and decided, screw this I am going to get back on track and stop hating myself. I know what habits I need to change and I am confident that I will be successful. Today when I woke up I got out of bed and went for a jog/walk with Luna (who is my adorable dog and running buddy for anyone that doesn’t know I am obsessed with her) and it felt so good to just get up and go! Then for good measure after work I did a 30 minute Beachbody (21 Day Fix) workout and my legs and arms were literally shaking. It took everything in me to finish but I had to keep telling myself, “You need to get back into a routine or you will fail and failure is not an option.” Day 1 accomplished workout wise and I am ready to keep up the trend!
Now, food is where things get very tricky for me. I have used food as an emotional support vice for pretty much my whole life and it has developed into a VERY unhealthy habit. It gets to the point that I can consume an insane amount of food without realizing I have done so. My mom calls it my “Food Amnesia” and that is a perfect way of describing it because I can completely forget how much I have eaten and still feel hungry. It’s like I don’t have the thing in my brain that says to stop eating. So, to combat this my mom and I joined Weight Watchers and I am going to track all of my food to keep me accountable. Dr. Pepper is also out for me. The amount of soda I consume is so bad and I know that the sugar is doing nothing good for me. Today I did have a Dr. Pepper but I am not going to kill myself for slipping up because I had some wins today and I know it is all a process. I am on a journey and I think that is what is most important for me and anyone who is going through a rough time to remember. Change doesn’t happen overnight even though we all want it too.
I am so excited for this journey and I am so thankful for everyone in my life that I have who support and inspire me. Honestly like I said this is just kind of a place for me to put things out there and let people know they aren’t alone if they are experiencing similar things. I read a blog post earlier from someone who I admire in the theater community and what she wrote really spoke to me and that’s when I decided to just do this like I’d been wanting to. Who knows, maybe something I have to say with ring true with someone at some point and it will be paying forward the good vibes and feeling less alone! 🙂
Thanks for reading!!
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